Learning About Communication From Amelia Bedelia

I realized as I read this book aloud to my children the truth that while my children do not always understand what I say, 9 times out of 10 they have her genuine good intention and her genuine mis-understanding of what I am expecting from them or trying to say.

I just need to use the equivalent words like Mrs. Rogers did:
-dusting becomes undusting
-drawing the curtains becomes opening the curtains

"Clean the kitchen" becomes a checklist.

"Clean the bathroom" becomes another checklist.

Good reminder!

Schedule for the day? Detoxification

Some days, the Spirit floods me with ideas of things we can do.

Some days, the Spirit says; don't plan anything.

Yesterday was one of those "plan nothing" days.  Why? Because even if you plan something, you are not going to get to it, so don't even bother. Sometimes, "life" is the agenda.

Looking back, our family schedule was full enough:
-sign language performance in the morning after a quick run-through
-quick trip to the MAAC (local "DI" or "Goodwill" equivelant) to drop off stuff and look for summer shorts for the girls
-FHE at 1 pm (because that was when we could all do it)
-meal times? (that is labor intensive enough!)

Looking back, there wasn't that much scheduled but, boy!  We went a lot of crazy emotional directions and I that was my job...field the crazy emotions.


Over the years, we have had many of these: days when what was scheduled or even meal-times kind of fall by the wayside because of emotional learning, emotional situations...and those are never planned. I mean, you don't just wake up and say, "Today we are going to learn about anger and have a real-life simulation!  Doesn't that sound like fun???"

No. It doesn't :).

However, I have seen that as we have dropped everything for the day (or just not worried about how things went) and focused on healing, that has been the most important educational lesson for the day.

Yesterday, our sound system was all wacko at the rest-home.  The kids did a great job, the Spirit was there, but boy!!! Did everything seem to go wrong with the sound!

After leaving the MAAC, I realized that I had left the clothes there and ran back. After getting the clothes in a miraculously close call, I felt prompted to text and call a couple people.  I stayed in the parking lot to do so (honoring those traffic laws, right :)?)  I came home to find out that one of the kids had been picking up and throwing another kid (who had been "being mean" to another kid) and most of the little ones were outside in fear.

Yah.  Safe place.


Later, the meanness was perpetuated on down as another older one was a bully and then another and another.  Ach.

Most of my day was spent in desperately seeking the Spirit to know how to not only talk to the perpetrators, but how to heal the victims and hopefully break the bully cycle.  Darn.

However, at the end of the day, I was humbled as I looked back and saw that God had helped me soften at least a couple layers in the hardness of the older kids through my words and actions.  I could see that they were at least thinking about what I said, which is a huge improvement when we are in the heat of the battle.

I have found that it is important to know when to "battle" and when to love.  When to talk and when to listen.  Follow the Spirit.

"Crucial Conversations" is an excellent book to read for situations like these, as is "The Anatomy of Peace" and "Leadership and Self-Deception."  My recent favorite, "Amish Parenting" book is also particularly fabulous.  I think the "Crucial Conversations" book should be on everyone's shelf.  It takes the battle out of the situation.

Best resource ever?  The life of Christ.

But don't walk away from these days and call them wasted!  If we can raise emotionally resilient and healthy children, they will have a basis to operate for the rest of their lives that will further their education far more than learning their math facts!

Calm down.  Take a deep breath and know that the education that needs to happen is happening and take the time to make it count.

Letting them Fail

This morning was a great example.

"Mom, I'm sorry I didn't wake up," Liliputian (13) contritely told me.  I shrugged.  "No worries!  You know what you need to do to improve and get it done :)."

She has to have her basics and breakfast ready by 7 to get the $1 allowance for the day and must have it all done by 9 before she gets extra jobs as a consequence. I lovingly remind them. Lovingly administer consequences (no lecture).  Lovingly follow-through and express encouragement that they can improve if it seems they need it.

At least, that is the ideal :). I am hitting this more often now. I used to feel guilty, like their lack of doing what they know how to do was my inadequacies or my responsibility.  With the younger ones, yes.  The Spirit lets me know.  With the older ones, I am letting them own it, feel their own validation more and more and letting the Spirit "lecture" them.

That is my big "stepping back" I need to do.  Let their conscience, the Holy Spirit, God...whatever you want to call it...letting that inner voice admonish and teach them and be more silent. Letting that inner voice validate and approve.  Of course, I still praise, cheer, verbally approve a lot.  I have just been doing it a little too enthusiastically sometimes and I feel the Spirit say, "Hey.  Give me some room here :)."

Boundaries. Expectations.  Rules.

Those are all in place.  I am just learning to be content with them experiencing the consequences of their conscience and the mild and fair ones we have established when heads are cooler :).

Which Part Is Mine?

My friend asked me a great question:

How have I stepped back and allowed them to fail?

In what ways did you do that? It's been a very recent conversation at our house, stepping back. But like in your "which part is mine" post, different kids have different needs. Some I can step back far and easily. Others still need it. Different situations also need different levels of involvement. If others are relying on them to be successful, then I need to help them be successful. If the failure lies solely with them, fine. I've seen others do it completely wrong - canceling a while scout activity because one boy didn't make a call to arrange it, yet the leaders didn't remind and parents probably weren't aware. They call it a lesson, but how embarrassing for the boy. Would he accept that responsibility from them again? Probably not.

What part is mine?  These are my answers, but yours may look different.  Please post below any you have or ideas you have!! :)

--Protect environment: structure, respect, love, food :)

--Weekly accountability meetings: what do you want from Mom?  How can I create a class or find a class or experience that will help them?  Help facilitate it.  Help them set S.M.A.R.T. goals

--Lessons you feel they need to learn: devotionals (moral lessons), work ethic

--Follow-through with consequences

--"Return and Report" opportunities

To allow for failure means that there is something they are failing at: it means they are trying. It means they are reaching. It means they have commitments.  My friend's last situation is definitely not failure completely on the scout's part...but there is some ownership of the scout in that situation as well.  If the scout wanted it badly enough, he could have insisted or pushed forward.  No...not all scouts have that passion or vision nor do they need to have it to be a good scout.  But I think every situation has something to learn from...even that last example from my friend.  

Quick response, sorry!  

Deep Goals

I have three goals:

--I want my children to know and love God
--I want them to feel humility
--I want to help prepare them for their missions.

I find that articulating what the deep goal of every action I do helps to shape the small decisions better.  Sometimes it is good to recognize what are goals are not:

--To be the perfect mentor
--To fill my child's every need
--To have an immaculate home
--To be there, every moment of every day, for each of my children

These used to be my goals, even if they were not articulated or verbalized.  I need to let God take care of my robins, trust the Spirit, and do those things.

Write down your deep goals. It is a cleansing way to start preparing for the new year...

(Related post)

From Police State to Flexibility

These two videos capture so much of what I am feeling about homeschooling and my role right now:

These, combined with a card from my missionary daughter, are causing a lot of introspection of my home:

Thanks for the wonderful year, Mom!  You've allowed me to step out and take more control over how my life is going to turn out.  Though you've given me the chance to make mistakes, you're always been there for me to talk to and to get love from.  Always.

I live in New York now, one of the hardest states to homeschool in.  To do many things in, actually, due to the intense regulation of everything.  I drive in dread that I am going to be stopped and find out some loop-hole, some unknown or unfamiliar law, that I am going to be heavily penalized for. (I have had three traffic violations so far while driving here in New York after over twenty years with no violations.  $600 later.)

There is no mercy in the state of New York. Among the hearts of the people, yes.  Among any government official carrying out their duty, never.  And it is just how it is, apparently.

I have thought about the dread that fills my heart whenever I drive, knowing that if there is a misunderstanding, there is no mercy.  In my home, I have been a little overzealous in making sure I follow through with things, having read and heard over and over again how detrimental it is to be inconsistent.

But do I allow that to get in the way of mercy? Of flexibility?

I resonate with the first woman so much in her desire for control, order and structure.  It is one of the hardest things in the world for me to operate in our home when it is cluttered or dirty...and I have now been operating in that state for now over a year with moving and remodeling our entire house.


Flexibility.  Finding joy.  Lessons I need to learn and perhaps my children in years to come? In the meanwhile, I am trying to make our home less of a police-state and more of a merciful haven for learning, mistakes, agency and growth.

Boundaries? Yes.  Rules? Yes. Expectations? Yes.  Just as God has those for us with natural consequences and blessings.  Trying to model my parenting and schooling after Him takes a little more flexibility and agency for what I feel my kids need right now.  For others, they may need more structure.  Others, less.  Listen to the Spirit.  Trust God.

 Times and seasons.  Times and seasons.