Letting them Fail

This morning was a great example.

"Mom, I'm sorry I didn't wake up," Liliputian (13) contritely told me.  I shrugged.  "No worries!  You know what you need to do to improve and get it done :)."

She has to have her basics and breakfast ready by 7 to get the $1 allowance for the day and must have it all done by 9 before she gets extra jobs as a consequence. I lovingly remind them. Lovingly administer consequences (no lecture).  Lovingly follow-through and express encouragement that they can improve if it seems they need it.

At least, that is the ideal :). I am hitting this more often now. I used to feel guilty, like their lack of doing what they know how to do was my inadequacies or my responsibility.  With the younger ones, yes.  The Spirit lets me know.  With the older ones, I am letting them own it, feel their own validation more and more and letting the Spirit "lecture" them.

That is my big "stepping back" I need to do.  Let their conscience, the Holy Spirit, God...whatever you want to call it...letting that inner voice admonish and teach them and be more silent. Letting that inner voice validate and approve.  Of course, I still praise, cheer, verbally approve a lot.  I have just been doing it a little too enthusiastically sometimes and I feel the Spirit say, "Hey.  Give me some room here :)."

Boundaries. Expectations.  Rules.

Those are all in place.  I am just learning to be content with them experiencing the consequences of their conscience and the mild and fair ones we have established when heads are cooler :).

Which Part Is Mine?

My friend asked me a great question:

How have I stepped back and allowed them to fail?

In what ways did you do that? It's been a very recent conversation at our house, stepping back. But like in your "which part is mine" post, different kids have different needs. Some I can step back far and easily. Others still need it. Different situations also need different levels of involvement. If others are relying on them to be successful, then I need to help them be successful. If the failure lies solely with them, fine. I've seen others do it completely wrong - canceling a while scout activity because one boy didn't make a call to arrange it, yet the leaders didn't remind and parents probably weren't aware. They call it a lesson, but how embarrassing for the boy. Would he accept that responsibility from them again? Probably not.

What part is mine?  These are my answers, but yours may look different.  Please post below any you have or ideas you have!! :)

--Protect environment: structure, respect, love, food :)

--Weekly accountability meetings: what do you want from Mom?  How can I create a class or find a class or experience that will help them?  Help facilitate it.  Help them set S.M.A.R.T. goals

--Lessons you feel they need to learn: devotionals (moral lessons), work ethic

--Follow-through with consequences

--"Return and Report" opportunities

To allow for failure means that there is something they are failing at: it means they are trying. It means they are reaching. It means they have commitments.  My friend's last situation is definitely not failure completely on the scout's part...but there is some ownership of the scout in that situation as well.  If the scout wanted it badly enough, he could have insisted or pushed forward.  No...not all scouts have that passion or vision nor do they need to have it to be a good scout.  But I think every situation has something to learn from...even that last example from my friend.  

Quick response, sorry!  

Deep Goals

I have three goals:

--I want my children to know and love God
--I want them to feel humility
--I want to help prepare them for their missions.

I find that articulating what the deep goal of every action I do helps to shape the small decisions better.  Sometimes it is good to recognize what are goals are not:

--To be the perfect mentor
--To fill my child's every need
--To have an immaculate home
--To be there, every moment of every day, for each of my children

These used to be my goals, even if they were not articulated or verbalized.  I need to let God take care of my robins, trust the Spirit, and do those things.

Write down your deep goals. It is a cleansing way to start preparing for the new year...

(Related post)

From Police State to Flexibility

These two videos capture so much of what I am feeling about homeschooling and my role right now:

These, combined with a card from my missionary daughter, are causing a lot of introspection of my home:

Thanks for the wonderful year, Mom!  You've allowed me to step out and take more control over how my life is going to turn out.  Though you've given me the chance to make mistakes, you're always been there for me to talk to and to get love from.  Always.

I live in New York now, one of the hardest states to homeschool in.  To do many things in, actually, due to the intense regulation of everything.  I drive in dread that I am going to be stopped and find out some loop-hole, some unknown or unfamiliar law, that I am going to be heavily penalized for. (I have had three traffic violations so far while driving here in New York after over twenty years with no violations.  $600 later.)

There is no mercy in the state of New York. Among the hearts of the people, yes.  Among any government official carrying out their duty, never.  And it is just how it is, apparently.

I have thought about the dread that fills my heart whenever I drive, knowing that if there is a misunderstanding, there is no mercy.  In my home, I have been a little overzealous in making sure I follow through with things, having read and heard over and over again how detrimental it is to be inconsistent.

But do I allow that to get in the way of mercy? Of flexibility?

I resonate with the first woman so much in her desire for control, order and structure.  It is one of the hardest things in the world for me to operate in our home when it is cluttered or dirty...and I have now been operating in that state for now over a year with moving and remodeling our entire house.


Flexibility.  Finding joy.  Lessons I need to learn and perhaps my children in years to come? In the meanwhile, I am trying to make our home less of a police-state and more of a merciful haven for learning, mistakes, agency and growth.

Boundaries? Yes.  Rules? Yes. Expectations? Yes.  Just as God has those for us with natural consequences and blessings.  Trying to model my parenting and schooling after Him takes a little more flexibility and agency for what I feel my kids need right now.  For others, they may need more structure.  Others, less.  Listen to the Spirit.  Trust God.

 Times and seasons.  Times and seasons.

Giving Them Room to Fail

My 19 year old who just left on a mission left me a card to read after she left.

"Thanks for stepping back and giving me the opportunity to fail this past year and figure things out."

She has been asking for this kind of space for a few years now, but in my "fear of preparation of the future" I just couldn't do it and kept encouraging, and encouraging, and "encouraging" her.  When does "encouraging" become "driving" or (even worse) "nagging"?

It was an interesting phrase. I know there are different times and different seasons but this comment will be definitely shaping my homeschooling.