From Police State to Flexibility

These two videos capture so much of what I am feeling about homeschooling and my role right now:

These, combined with a card from my missionary daughter, are causing a lot of introspection of my home:

Thanks for the wonderful year, Mom!  You've allowed me to step out and take more control over how my life is going to turn out.  Though you've given me the chance to make mistakes, you're always been there for me to talk to and to get love from.  Always.

I live in New York now, one of the hardest states to homeschool in.  To do many things in, actually, due to the intense regulation of everything.  I drive in dread that I am going to be stopped and find out some loop-hole, some unknown or unfamiliar law, that I am going to be heavily penalized for. (I have had three traffic violations so far while driving here in New York after over twenty years with no violations.  $600 later.)

There is no mercy in the state of New York. Among the hearts of the people, yes.  Among any government official carrying out their duty, never.  And it is just how it is, apparently.

I have thought about the dread that fills my heart whenever I drive, knowing that if there is a misunderstanding, there is no mercy.  In my home, I have been a little overzealous in making sure I follow through with things, having read and heard over and over again how detrimental it is to be inconsistent.

But do I allow that to get in the way of mercy? Of flexibility?

I resonate with the first woman so much in her desire for control, order and structure.  It is one of the hardest things in the world for me to operate in our home when it is cluttered or dirty...and I have now been operating in that state for now over a year with moving and remodeling our entire house.


Flexibility.  Finding joy.  Lessons I need to learn and perhaps my children in years to come? In the meanwhile, I am trying to make our home less of a police-state and more of a merciful haven for learning, mistakes, agency and growth.

Boundaries? Yes.  Rules? Yes. Expectations? Yes.  Just as God has those for us with natural consequences and blessings.  Trying to model my parenting and schooling after Him takes a little more flexibility and agency for what I feel my kids need right now.  For others, they may need more structure.  Others, less.  Listen to the Spirit.  Trust God.

 Times and seasons.  Times and seasons.

Giving Them Room to Fail

My 19 year old who just left on a mission left me a card to read after she left.

"Thanks for stepping back and giving me the opportunity to fail this past year and figure things out."

She has been asking for this kind of space for a few years now, but in my "fear of preparation of the future" I just couldn't do it and kept encouraging, and encouraging, and "encouraging" her.  When does "encouraging" become "driving" or (even worse) "nagging"?

It was an interesting phrase. I know there are different times and different seasons but this comment will be definitely shaping my homeschooling.

Part 2: Coming up with a year plan or theme

I create context and connection for our family's education in yearly focuses, monthly themes and then the four lenses.  You can add "daily vegetables" of math facts, work, music practice, etc. but those are things that can just be ongoing and fit in where you need them to be.

Remember the mantra?

The goal of my homeschooling is not to cover "everything." (As if this were even possible!!!) The goal of my homeschooling is to create thinking, responsible and compassionate adults who know how to learn, know how to work and know how to serve.

What is yours?

What do you want for your year?  Ironically enough, I find myself approximately following the four year cycle of Bauer:
-Ancient History
-Medieval/Renaissance (sometimes I will put Medieval with Ancient)
-American Revolution (it is that important to me)
-Modern History

I can see their relevance this way: we learn from the mistakes and finding of history better than on our own.  Also, the kids can be exposed to science, math, art and literature in how they emerged in history to enable better context and connections.

It is my place to start.

So I use these historical periods as a place to start, but I look at them a little differently than most might though.  When I see these time periods, I think, what relevance does this have with my children in their lives?

-Ancient History: foundation, who you are, where you came from, beginnings, basics
-Medieval/Renaissance (sometimes I will put Medieval with Ancient): conquest, learning, trying, experimenting, growth, exploration
-American Revolution (it is that important to me): freedom, responsibility, application, structure
-Modern History: what do I do with what I have learned?  Where do I go now? 

As you can see, each of these time periods can represent a different time or place in your child's or family's lives and you can use the year to teach deep truths through devotionals, history and other mediums to help them prepare for those times and journeys.

I will post a video soon about how I am doing this, but for now, reflect on where you are at or what you want to study this year historically.  Yes!  You can study what you enjoy!!  You can start with where you are at and just go from there!

We are doing ancient history next year, having just finished modern history.  How much did they learn about modern history?  Bits and pieces :).  But they loved it.  And they learned a lot more than they realized through the books we read, the art we studied, the science we read and watched and even through who we covered in devotionals!  More importantly, we talked a great deal about where they are at and what they are going to do with where they are at.  Little conversations and experiences over the course of a year are what make up our education!

Part 1: What to study? Coming up with a vision!

I think that one of the most overwhelming thing for any homeschooling parent, veteran or newbie, is to determine the area of study for a year, a month or even a day.   If there is an overall framework it makes the decisions easier:
--if there is a theme for the year, the month's reinforce that
--if there is a theme for the month, the day's plans more easily fall into place

Often, I feel that God is asking us, "What do you want to teach your children?" and then when I have the plan, BOOM!!  He starts opening the floodgates of heaven to rain down resources.

However, maybe many of you are in the same boat I have been in for years: what to do, where to begin, how to cover everything?

I think I just realized over these past few months that this is one of the problems of the stress I have had behind my homeschooling. I am always so worried about what I am not teaching my children that I have a problem focusing and enjoying what we are learning!!

Look at any one of us who are products of the great and majestic public school program.  We were "on track" to get everything we "need": from ancient to modern history, from addition to calculus.  How many of us remember or even covered "all" the information? Anyone?  Anyone??  Then why do we beat ourselves up as homeschoolers to do the same!

I have a new mantra:

The goal of my homeschooling is not to cover "everything." (As if this were even possible!!!) The goal of my homeschooling is to create thinking, responsible and compassionate adults who know how to learn, know how to work and know how to serve.

If that is my objective, my planning is going to be a lot different each year.  If your objective is to have your child know everything in Hirsch's grade-level series or what is in different programs, you know where to look.  That is fantastic!! They are great programs and your children will be brilliant!

Just decide. :)

Having had two emerge now from my home and realizing how much they don't know, I have had to come to terms with that.  Am I proud of them?  Did they learn what they need to learn?  The answer to the first is a resounding YES.  The answer to the second is a heavenly-sent YES.  Did they learn everything I tried to teach them? NO. :)  Laughable.  I have learned so much, though, and in the process the above has become my mantra for my family.  So why not focus on that for now, and not stress about Hirsch's series unless it fits within that mantra?

So back to the question: what to teach my children?

Hicks, in his book "Norms and Nobility," captures in just the preface, prologue and chapter 1 what I want for my children.  It is a dry read at times, but completely worth it.  Here are some tantalizing quotes from it:

The supreme task of education is the cultivation of the human spirit: to teach the young to know what is good, to serve it above self, to reproduce it, and to recognize that in knowledge lies this responsibility.

TO be a little lower than the angels was not so much a dream as a high calling to hard service.  Man served the state or he served himself; he served his higher nature or he served his lower nature; he served God or he served Mammon. His freedom was often defined as a fraction, with service in the numerator.

  service   = freedom

self                  

For those who don't love math as I do, the higher the top part of the fraction, the bigger the answer.  The smaller the bottom half, the bigger the answer.  More service, less self = more freedom.  Truth.  The purpose of math.  The purpose of education.

Charlotte Mason and others echo this goal of nobility in education.

So where to start?  If your goal is similar to mine, read on!!!  

If not, find your own goal and believe in it!!

Musings over the past few months

So it has been an interesting couple of months since I last posted.

I have been doing "Walden" work: watching, judging, determining the regular ebbs and flows, the questions and requests kids have made...

"I miss Beautiful Girlhood!"
"Can we do Anatomy today?"
"When are we going to do Author's in the Attic?"

I have also been watching the emergence of my two, wonderful oldest out of the home.  The journey has not been what people would call easy or seamless.  Their paths definitely didn't follow a traditional path...but they are ready.  I do have regrets, things I want to do differently with the others, but looking back I can see how God can use even those "mistakes" for the good of my children, for them with their (and mine!) strengths and weaknesses.

Self-determination.  Ownership.  The beauty of failure.

In an agency-based home, there is always a tricky balance between parent-led classes and education and student-led.  As a parent, I should inspire, assess and sometimes even demand certain topics or classes.  Sometimes I need to give my kids room to fail.

I got an interesting letter from my daughter right after she left on her mission.  She thanked me for giving her more freedom to pursue her own education over this last year...even the opportunity to fail and learn from it.  I have been thinking about that a lot lately.

We have still done some math (one of those demand things, I am afraid, to at least know their math facts, although I try to make it as fun and painless as possible). We have been doing Latin because of my 14 year old's desire to finish reading all the Oliver DeMille top 100 reading list for teens. (The kids all love it...we just do a couple sections out of "Getting Started With Latin" each day together.)  We have been going to the farm to do work and explore. We have been to DC twice and done many other field trips. I have been playing more games with them, per the Spirit's direction for several months...I am finally doing it!

Oh, and of course devotionals every day.

But other than that, the kids have been just focusing on doing their jobs and then I just hold them accountable by having them list everything they did that day either at the end of that day or the beginning of the next.  Drew and I have been bonding over seminary.

I have been working on some serious inner balances, if that is the best way to put it.  We have been reading aloud "Remembering Isaac," I finished my "Amish Parenting" book, and I am now reading "The Gift of Imperfection" by Brown (watch the language on this one).  Between these books, watching my oldest two getting ready to and actually leaving the nest, and some ah-has I have had while doing a couple family history/scrapbooking projects, I see that God is using this time to teach me to slow down.

I have been crazy busy doing project to project for so many years, pushing myself, demanding false, unattainable perfection of myself and my children (and my husband, come to think of it) for so many years that I am realizing that I have an unhealthy "base operating level." I have become very list-obsessed in my effort to "do the right thing" and am finding a new place to be.  A new happiness.  A new place of content amidst the seeming imperfection.

I love how Ms. Brown puts it in her book:

"Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement adn growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement.  Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.  Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports).  Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused--How can I improve?  Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think? (pg 56)

My thoughts about expectations and reasons for why I parent and live the way I do are very meditative right now.  I spend many hours at night quietly reflecting over my previous day and looking at my modus operandi--what I do and why I do it.  I am moving away from beating myself up for it and trying to learn from it and create new brain bridges or plans of response.

Meanwhile, the kids and my husband are just becoming more and more beautiful, more and more inspirational and fun.  It is a crazy thing.

My reason for sharing all of this is not because this should be someone else's journey.  On a deep level, I am trying to be more still, trusting God and letting Him guide me and tell me when to stop.  Why is that so hard? I don't know, but it is what our homeschool needs right now.  Your need may be the same or different, but I am sure it will be different books, different blogs and different activities that get you where you need to be.   We just need to stop and listen.

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,
or listened to rain slapping the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
or gazed at the sun fading into the night?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.


Do you run through each day on the fly,
when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,
with the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.


Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,
'cause you never had time to call and say hi?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.


When you run so fast to get somewhere,
you miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
it's like an unopened gift thrown away.

Life isn't a race, so take it slower,hear the music before your song is over.